Hanyou Human Relations
by Tsuki-no-oni
Summary: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, stubborn hanyou style! When Kagome finds the golden ticket, she finds a soap-opera ammount of drama too! in prog.
1. chap 1

There could only be one winner. Throughout the entire world, there could only be one Golden Ticket. But this time Mr. Inuyasha Akurei wasn't searching for an heir to his pocky empire. This time he was looking for a wife.

Rated for language and insinuation.

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Whee! And now that all of the needed stuff is through with, I'm BACK! I know you all missed me and everything and all of you were so heartbroken over the ending of CS...

But I'm going to write a happy ficlet now, oh yes. There will be drama, of course, but it will be happy drama. ::grins::

So this idea was ironically inspired by Benny & Joon, even though I'm mostly ripping Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. ::shrugs:: oh well.

Pairings...no, you get none.

And so, on with the fic!

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Chapter One: The Pocky Factory

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Kagome Hiragushi. Average High School student, with an average lifestyle, and an average family, living in an average town.

She, of course, did not expect this Monday morning to be different in any way from the rest.

But it was—remarkably so. Not only was this Monday morning significantly more important than the rest, but it was a day that would shape the rest of her life, the rest of her career, and the rest of her existence in her small little town.

She did, of course, know about the pocky factory. But it was an old legend, long gone. Nothing ever went in and nothing ever came out of the old rusted gates of the Akurei Factory. Yet there was still pocky being produced and sold—she, for instance, consumed exactly two packages every three days. She would carefully divide them into thirds and pack them into her school lunches, believing that two packages of pocky would be less fattening than three.

Kagome was average.

On her way to school, her average Monday morning...changed.

It wasn't anything that she was really aware of, either. Walking along her route, minding her own business, she simply read the back of the pocky box.

And blinked.

It read, in curvaceous elegant script, that the gates were being opened once again. Mr. Akurei was allowing two women to enter the factory. The women would have to have—

_A Golden Ticket_. Kagome blinked a few more times and stared at it. Hadn't that kid, a few years before, gotten one of those? It seemed cheap to be repeating the same trick now. And what would become of the girls? The wrapper didn't say.

Yes, now that she was thinking about it, there had been a kid that disappeared into the factory. Sean...Simon..._Shippou_, that was his name. Shippou Koji.

And now Kagome was intrigued. What had become of that little boy? She had heard about him on the news—he had been an average person like herself, suddenly named heir to the Akurei empire.

Kagome understood the need for an heir. She knew that the child was most likely learning everything there was to know about the pocky industry.

...So what were women needed for?

Maybe three packages a day couldn't hurt her much after all...

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Inuyasha Akurei. Eccentric hanyou, abnormal owner of a multi-million dollar industry, with an abnormal 'family', living in an abnormal world.

He knew that Monday morning was different. Why? Because he was the one that decided it was time for a change. He was tired of Shippou's incessant whining and the bickering of his closest employees, Sango and Miroku. His 'family'.

And, of course, he knew about the pocky factory like everyone else. He knew considerably more than the rest of the world, since he lived in the place, but that was given.

He held a peculiar love for noodle-flavored candies, trying to see how closely he could match the flavor of a coating of pocky to a flavor of ramen noodles. Had he been the one to decide that it was time for a female change?

Not really.

At a _regular_ breakfast picnic in the Candy Courtyard next to the chocolate river, Sango had informed him that his life was going to change. Miroku had then explained how, in less-than-lecherous terms, earning a smack in the face and a bop over the head. Inuyasha was still pondering how to trip the monk into the river, although there were more pressing matters on his mind.

Such as the girls.

What was he going to do with two women? He would have to think of some sort of clever task for them to complete, decide which one he could live with, and dispose of the other.

Or he could just let Shippou choose.

Any way that he looked at it, there was going to be an addition to his little family, and that didn't make Inuyasha happy. He was a creature of habit, as eccentric as he was, and although he indulged in the occasional creative moment of pure insanity, he tried to stick as close as he could to some form of a routine. Such as waking, brushing his teeth, and beating up Miroku. The rest of the day was still apt to change, but he was trying to solidify his schedule.

A female couldn't do that. No creature on earth would be able to give his life order other than himself. And Inuyasha craved order, because if he didn't have it, he started to produce things like chocolate-covered ramen sticks.

A female wouldn't be able to change a thing. That was the truth of the matter.

Inuyasha paused as he watched Sango smack Miroku across the face. He looked down at his watch, and then back up at Sango.

He pulled a battered notepad out of his pocket.

_Yesterday. 9:43, Sango smacks Miroku's left cheek._

Inuyasha looked up at Sango, and then at Miroku, and then at his watch.

Female punctuation was uncanny.

He would have to find one for himself, to give his life order and meaning.

That was the truth of the matter...

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chap one done! Whatdja think?

It's this button...

V


	2. chap 2

DISCLAIMER: okay. People. We need to establish something here. I didn't spend months living in prison for nothing. After a very well-planned and thought-through attempt to _steal_ Inuyasha, I was still thwarted. ::hangs head:: he is unattainable by we lowly fans. I suggest that you stop searching for Rumiko two chapters into a story. (I feel your pain...)

(R/R: I like ripping off movies, I might do it more often! Although, CatCC was a book first...O.o)

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Chapter Two: Female 1: Sadistic Maniac!

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Kagome got to school right on time, like she did every day. She sat down at her desk and carefully arranged the homework she had completed the night before in neat little piles, ready to be turned in to each individual teacher. Folding her hands and looking up at the board, she waited for class to begin.

A female crowded her vision of the board, hands on her hips and a glare firmly fixed on her face as she regarded Kagome. Moments later, she was joined by two other girls, striking identical poses and standing at her left and right.

Eri, Ayame, and Yuka were staring down at her with varying levels of disgust on their faces.

"Kagome." Yuka said, eyes not believing what she was seeing. "How can you possibly be doing homework when there is pocky to consume?"

A large sweat drop made itself known on the back of Kagome's head. "Come again?"

Ayame pushed Yuka aside and turned a bag upside down on Kagome's desk, burying her homework under mounds of...

...boxes of pocky. Akurei pocky.

Kagome resisted the sudden urge to beat her head on her desk. "Guys..." she moaned.

"That's your share. You owe us fifty dollars, but if you find the ticket, we'll all give you a hundred to film the place and mail it to us,"

"You would sacrifice me just to see what the place looked like?" Kagome asked flatly. "No one ever comes out of there,"

"We know," they chimed.

"That's why we all have pocky too. Everyone is willing to search. Now eat, Kagome!" Eri announced.

The three wandered off, leaving Kagome to sift through the mountain of treats and attempt to rescue her homework.

_Well...maybe one package won't hurt. _

_What if I find the ticket after all?_

_Will I just leave school, or..._

_Will I be excused from my classes? _

_That wouldn't be so bad..._

_Maybe I'll find it right off! That would be amazing._

_But there's got to be a zillion to one chance that a random package of my selection will have the golden ticket._

Kagome grabbed a box off the top. Could it be...The One?

Before she could unwrap it, the clearing of a throat made her jump. Her attention snapped to the person standing over her left shoulder.

"Hiragushi, what are you doing?"

"Oh! Gomen ne, sensei, I was just...packing all of these up!"

The teacher looked at her skeptically before moving on to take up her position at the front of the class.

Kagome scooped all of the boxes into her backpack, thinking that she would save them for lunch. The One package, of her selection, she stuffed into her pocket.

_It can wait until lunch. _

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Inuyasha glanced over at Shippou as he entered the Candy Courtyard, not bothering to climb down from his licorice tree. If the kid wanted to talk to him, he knew where to find him.

Besides, the sounds of the TV set would have immediately alerted anyone to his whereabouts anyway. Inuyasha had hauled it up the tree with him, running an extension cord all the way back through the factory and up to the outlet outside the main gates.

"...so I hear they found one of the tickets," Shippou commented conversationally. "The girl looks pretty, Inuyasha,"

Golden eyes glanced down at the kid once again before flicking back to the pale-faced girl on the TV. "Feh. A little bit creepy if you ask me,"

"Oh, come on. She seems...educated," Shippou finished lamely, catching sight of the girl as she glared at a nearby newscaster.

"...Of course I'm going to take the ticket and go to the factory. And when I get there, I will kill anything inside and claim the pocky empire...AS MY OWN!"

"You were saying?" Inuyasha replied dryly, as the pale-faced girl cackled evilly at the news crew.

"I was...uh...hell, we didn't think that you would manage to pick up a weirdo. You still have one more chance left, and we can always change the statistics so that there's more than two tickets."

"Feh. Neither of them will be staying anyway."

Shippou glared, crossing his arms. "What do you mean, Inuyasha?"

"No one would ever want to stay here. Sure, you have no parents, and Sango and Miroku have lived here as long as I have, but a normal person? They're...regular, Shippou. They're not used to riding a ferry down a river of chocolate every morning to get to the shower. The shower of _water_, that is."

Shippou shrugged. "People have imaginations. Anyone would love this place. I was normal once, too."

"Shippou, think. In the outside world, how many places are you aware of that have edible flowers and lemonade showers?" Inuyasha paused for a moment. "That rhymed, didn't it?"

Shippou began to make some small sound of denial, but Inuyasha turned and began beating his head on the tree before the kid could.

"Must—Break—Irritating—Habit!" Inuyasha exclaimed between each connection of his head with the tree.

Shippou sighed and settled down, watching the news and waiting to see when pale-faced sadist would be arriving in his world.

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Kagome marched into lunch with a determined look on her face, all of her books in her arms and her backpack absolutely bursting at the seams with assorted boxes of pocky.

Her friends were waiting for her, tearing open package after package and discarding them in a slowly forming mountain at the end of their table. Kagome sat down and, ignoring the stares of their fellow students, opened her backpack.

Pulling the first box out of the pack, she ripped open one of the three packages waiting inside.

No luck.

She was scooping pocky into her backpack again about a half hour later, having been unsuccessful in each of her pocky selections.

On her way to her final class, she suddenly remembered the package that she had selected in homeroom.

Stealing into the bathroom as to not be caught by any hall monitors, Kagome pulled the package out of her pocket.

Yes, it was definitely discolored. Kagome crumbled it delicately in her hands, eyes widening when she felt something else crinkle along with the plastic package. Grabbing the edges of one end, she pulled.

Gold was there where gold should not have been.

Kagome would have passed out if Yuka hadn't walked into the bathroom at that exact moment. "Kagome? We lost you, you were right...be...hind...us, is that a golden ticket?!"

Kagome managed to nod.

"OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS GET IN HERE! KAGOME FOUND A GOLDEN TICKET!"

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heh.

I love Kagome's friends, they're so weird.

And if you're having problems visualizing the factory...think candyland, that diseased board game that absolutely everyone has played or owned at some point in their lives.

::shrugs::

preview of chap three:

"_This is my chance to be something different, to become something! I can be famous like Shippou, I can be mysterious like Inuyasha! People all over the world will wonder about my fate, boys will wonder what I look like..."_

tell me what you think of my weird story and my weird brain!

V


	3. chap 3

I am so dead. I'm way too hot but it's cold out, and I have a head cold on top of that. I feel like total shit. So what better thing is there to do than update?!

DISCLAIMER: updating, the chicken soup for the author's soul. If I can't afford a measly can of chicken soup, what makes you think that I hold any rights whatsoever to Inuyasha?

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Chapter Three: Female 2: Plain Jane

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Kagome was ushered out of the bathroom, golden ticket clutched protectively in her hands. People were crowding her, voices were screaming. Money was being held in her face in trade for the precious ticket.

Overall, it was more attention that she was used to. Kagome began to hyperventilate, ducking into the janitor's closet and slamming the door shut behind her. After the soothing click of the worn little lock, she settled down on an overturned bucket and stared at the ticket.

_Hello, _

_Inuyasha Akurei formally invites you to come to the Pocky Factory at exactly three o'clock tomorrow afternoon. Bring no one with you and no recording devices inside. Contact with the outside world will be impossible for a short while. _

_This is a wonderful opportunity for you to see the mysterious Factory! See where the flavors are made and meet the people behind them. _

_Inuyasha looks forward to meeting you tomorrow._

Kagome blinked. '_Is it just me, or did that sound like a serial killer luring in a victim?_'

The people outside got louder just then, making her cringe and scoot away from the door. "Definitely. I'm going to go there. I'm not giving this to ANY of them. This is my chance!"

She stood up, ticket clutched to her chest and fist in the air. "This is my chance to be something different, to become something! I can be famous like Shippou, I can be mysterious like Inuyasha! People all over the world will wonder about my fate, boys will wonder what I look like...!"

She glanced over at the door again when something pounded importantly on it. Kagome relaxed when she heard her principal's voice, yelling for her to open the door. She immediately moved the lock aside and walked out of her closet, ticket still clutched protectively and eyes wary.

"KAGOME!" the older woman exclaimed, a large grin on her face. "Newscasters will be arriving momentarily, the school is going to be on TV! Come to my office—EVERYONE BACK TO CLASS!"

They broke up reluctantly, all trotting back to their respective classrooms. Kagome followed the principal to the office, grateful for the sudden silence and the air conditioned room.

They sat down on respective sides of the desk and the principal folded her hands, giving Kagome a patronizing look. "Now, Hiragushi, you realize that you will miss several days of school because of this. Why don't you sell me the ticket? My education is complete,"

Kagome face-faulted.

"Um...no?!" Kagome jumped up, ticket clutched to her chest once again. "I'm not selling this to anyone! Don't you see? This is my chance!"

The determined pose returned, Kagome staring into space with stars in her eyes. Moments later the news crew arrived, cameras ready and reporter more than a little bit hassled.

"How much for it, ki—"

"I'M NOT SELLING THE TICKET!" Kagome cried, exasperated.

She was on the air before she knew it, the fake plastic reporter grinning a plastered grin at her and leering in towards her face with a microphone.

"Tell us, Hakome, how does it feel to hold one of the only golden tickets in the world?"

"My name is Kagome," she corrected icily, leaning back from the overbearing woman's floral cologne before she passed out from lack of oxygen.

"Oh! Deepest apologies, Gakome! Now, would you please answer the question?"

Kagome glared but answered. "It feels pretty nice. I'm excited to see what tomorrow will bring,"

"Would you say that you have any outstanding personality traits, Ms. Gakome?"

"Kagome. My name is Ka-Go-May," she sounded out, fixing her blue eyes on the reporter. "And no, I study hard and I am an excellent student."

"What do you plan to do with your ticket, KAGOME?" the reporter asked, smile strained. "Do you plan to sell it or go through with the Akurei demands?"

Kagome hesitated. "I'm not selling it, but I don't know about the demands. I'm really not too sure,"

"Before we go, tell our viewers at home what you intend to do when you reach the illustrious pocky factory?"

Kagome blinked as the cameraman held the large news camera right in her face. "I guess I'm just going to see what's there. I'm not taking any cameras or sound recorders. I have to see what the future holds in store for me,"

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Inuyasha clicked off the TV with a sigh. Three o'clock was nearing, and Kikyo would be arriving shortly.

Kagome looked...boring as hell. She had brown hair, blue eyes, and rather plain features. In comparison, even Sango was more stunning, although Inuyasha held absolutely no interest in the sisterly female.

She and Kikyo were alarmingly similar in appearance, too.

Inuyasha was bummed that he had been unable to avoid the entire golden ticket scheme and was now stuck with two average women. Sure, one was a sadistic maniac and the other an average prissy student, but he had been holding out hopes for a supermodel...

If only there was some slim chance, more than just two tickets. One more ticket would give Inuyasha that glimmer of hope that he needed to get through his introduction to Kikyo.

Lucky he had made photocopies of the monk's handwritten note. Also lucky that he had stolen blank ticket paper when they had run up the contest the first time around.

Inuyasha snuck into the packaging room and had released his glimmer of hope not moments before Kikyo arrived at the gates. She was surrounded by reporters and conspirators, not a single one of them seeing this as a chance at a unique destiny. Every single person outside of his gates was waiting for the chance to get inside, take pictures, and expose him.

He would be damned before any woman ruined his industry.

Inuyasha had Shippou go out to get her, the media rushing into a frenzy and commenting on how the boy had grown and the strange clothes he was wearing.

_Feh. Kid's dressed in overalls and a t-shirt. What the hell is so strange?_

Moments later, the doors were closed and Kikyo the Homicidal Maniac was a part of their world forever.

At least I still have one more ticket... 

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wow. That took....all afternoon. It's eight o'clock and now I have homework. Sorry.

I love yellowcard. I really do. "only one" has got to be one of my favorite songs. Although Nirvana's "smells like teen spirit" is stuck in my head...

Anyway, should update sometime soon. Probably tomorrow, now that my concept maps are all finished. Gonna take a look at MP again this weekend...

REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!


	4. chap 4

Well, I'm back. Sorry to have to tell you this, but I have four core classes at once and my teachers love the sounds of their own voices. Having about six hours of homework every night, not only am I burning out because of the stress load but I'm also completely unable to update regularly. When I do get done with my homework, harp, and all of the other crap that my life consists of, I have enough energy to boot up my computer and read. Yes, I have several new favorite stories. If no one likes this story then I'm going to bump it down the priority list, so speak out. Loudly.

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Chapter Four: Female 3? How old ARE you?

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Kagome took a deep breath, casting a wary glance back at the reporters that had followed her. She had woken up to find a camera in her face, a disembodied voice very meticulously describing her every move. After locating the reporter and beating her face in with an English book, Kagome had felt decidedly better.

She had leisurely eaten her mother's pancakes, not getting dressed until about noon. Her entire bedroom packed into an enormous yellow backpack, she decided to take a shower and head over to the pocky factory.

Currently standing in the expansive neglected courtyard of the pocky factory, she was filled with a sense of foreboding. She hesitated, once again looking back at the news reporters. From within the crowd, her family was cheering her on. Kagome smiled at them and turned towards her destiny with a renewed sense of hope.

The door opened on its own.

Now, if that wasn't one of the cheesiest occurrences, she didn't know what was. Kagome had seen enough horror movies to laugh as the door creaked open, revealing a dark and mysterious room beyond. She gave her backpack another heft and walked through the door.

It slammed shut behind her and lights came on, momentarily blinding her.

"WELCOME TO THE FACTORY, KAGOME!" a multitude of voices chorused.

Kagome blinked rapidly to clear the spots from her vision and made out five faces, three that were grinning brightly and two that were scowling at her as if she were a great evil.

"Hello Kagome-san, I'm Sango! I'm your roommate for right now, you're going to have so much fun!" a cheery-eyed brown-haired girl announced, walking forward and shaking Kagome's...arm.

"Um, Sango dearest? Wouldn't it be...helpful to offer to take her things?" a male asked from behind the girl, who suddenly squeaked and straightened up. Without missing a heartbeat, she turned around and smacked him upside the head.

"MIROKU! She's not even in the door yet! Don't start!"

"Ever," one of the scowlers growled. He had silver hair and...puppy ears?! Kagome did a double take, blinking rapidly. No, they weren't her imagination, and they seemed to be attached. Without a second thought she crossed the room, reached up, and gave one of the fuzzy triangles a sharp tug.

"OW! Bitch! What was that for?!" he exclaimed, hands flying to cover his ears.

"...they're...real..." Kagome trailed off, transfixed.

"That's Inuyasha Akurei, the current owner of the factory. He's our God," a young boy said, appearing near Kagome's knee.

"Current owner?" Kagome repeated.

"Keh." Inuyasha snorted. "The ONLY owner. Sango, show her where to put her stuff. We have to explain to the girls why they're here,"

"Hai, Master Inuyasha." Sango said sarcastically, grabbing Kagome's yellow bag and waddling off with more than a little difficulty.

Kagome's eyes were temporarily glued to the second girl. "You...um...must be Kikyo?"

"Why would you want to know, little girl? You're nothing but second to me, anyway. You can be my servant, do as I say,"

Inuyasha cast his scowl over to her, making the sadist stick out her tongue. "Kikyo..." he warned.

"Only a little longer, dog-boy, and I will rule your pathetic excuse for an invention center."

Miroku and Shippou coughed conveniently into their hands, masking what Kagome assumed to be laughter. She turned wide blue eyes back to Inuyasha when he huffed and crossed his arms, hands disappearing in opposing sleeves.

"You said something about an explanation?" Kagome asked softly.

"Inuyasha has invited you here because we are in need of another boss," Miroku said simply. "You have to prove which one of you is more capable of the position through a series of tests that we will devise. The looser will be sent home and the winner will remain here as co-ruler of the factory."

"Why is the dog-boy incapable of ruling on his own?" Kikyo asked darkly.

"He's too stupid," Shippou said before Miroku could stop him. "Besides, he needs a—"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Inuyasha cut him off, the child's eyes going wide and his muscles bunching to make a quick getaway.

Kikyo put a hand on Inuyasha's arm, silencing his next outburst with a glare. "Allow me," she said sweetly, before turning and glaring at Shippou. The child gulped, his eyes even wider. He took off before she could catch him, running at full speed towards his room.

Kagome watched them leave, her attention snapping to Sango as the other girl stumbled into the room. "What did you put in that bag?"

"Everything," Kagome said simply. "I didn't really know what to bring."

"Did Miroku explain the entire challenge concept to you?" Sango asked abruptly.

Kagome nodded. "Yeah, about a co-manager?"

Sango grinned and grabbed Kagome's arm, dragging her away from Inuyasha and Miroku. When Shippou and Kikyo tore through moments later, they headed for their room. "I'm going to help you, Kagome. I don't want to live with Kikyo. She scares me,"

"She scares me too. Why do I need help, though?"

"The contests are a little...unique around here. Can you...cook?"

"Cook?"

"Cook."

"I think so," Kagome's face scrunched up, deep in thought. "Yeah, I can do that," she nodded.

Sango blinked. "Are you sure? You're not going to be around for very long if you don't. And personally, even though I've only known you for five minutes, I choose you over the sadist any day. Inuyasha, on the other hand..."

"You mean Inuyasha likes her better? He's only known me for five minutes!" Kagome exclaimed.

"Well, she's...bizarre. Inu's attracted subliminally to the bizarre, being odd himself. Just be cheerful and ignore him as much as you can,"

Kagome nodded, wishing that she could be taking notes. She needed to know this if she wanted to survive in this place! Speaking of...she hadn't seen anything other than the nondescript hallway, cube-like bedroom, and dark entrance room. Was this dreary and drab place really where such odd and innovative ideas formed?

"Sango, how am I supposed to ignore him if he lives here too?" Kagome asked. "Speaking of, I haven't seen anything yet. Like...where are the showers?"

"Lemonade showers and golden flowers are on the other side of the rainbow," Sango said automatically.

Kagome's eyebrows shot up. "You realize that you...just..."

"Rhymed?! NO!" Sango cried, turning and beginning to beat her head against the wall. "MUST! NOT! RHYME! LIKE! INUYASHA!" she exclaimed, punctuating each word with a whack of her head against the wall.

Kagome carefully pulled Sango away from the wall before she could do it or her head any serious damage. "Sango...?"

"Inuyasha spoke in rhyme and rhyme alone for three years," Sango said, eyes distant and haunted. "He could rhyme any word with another in less than one point five seconds. It's taken him a long time to break it, but...the rest of us picked up on it too. We must keep ourselves from rhyming."

She said it with such determination that Kagome could only smile and nod. "I guess I'm outta luck then," she said wistfully. "Always wanted to know how to rhyme any word with another in less than two seconds,"

Sango stared at her like she was crazy. "I'm going to forget that came out of your mouth and show you around," she said slowly. "The entire front of the building is like you've seen in case someone gets in and peeks through the windows. The rest of the place is...unusual."

Kagome trotted on after Sango for a tour of the factory, glad that her day was turning out less interesting than the previous one. She wasn't sure if she would be able to handle too much abnormality, entirely positive that she would suffer some form of allergic reaction if she did.

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Inuyasha turned on his TV,

sitting in his licorice tree.

He had escaped from the sadist,

Of his problems she was surely the maddest.

Reclined and relaxed he settled right down,

To find two blue eyes looking up from the ground.

The second female owned the eyes,

Her face tilted up to look at the skies.

He relaxed when he saw she was looking elsewhere,

Relieved that he wouldn't have to defend his chai—

"DAMNIT, I'M THINKING IN RHYME AGAIN!" Inuyasha cried, turning and beating his head against the trunk of the tree.

Kagome's mouth turned up in a quirky smile, her eyes catching sight of him. She looked at the trunk of the tree and then Inuyasha, before catching sight of the television he had rigged up there. She smirked some more before finally speaking to him.

"I hear that you can rhyme two words in less than a second," she called up.

"I can hear you like you're standing next to me, no need to shout," Inuyasha replied darkly. "Sango telling you all about me?"

"More about the factory than you, but that's okay too,"

"You rhymed," Inuyasha informed her. Kagome shrugged.

"Oh well," she smiled slightly. "I guess it grows on you,"

"Yeah,"

Inu turned his attention back to the TV, waiting for the news to premier on his third female. Currently frightened out of his skin by Kikyo and her creepiness, and less than thrilled with Kagome's unique persona, he was looking forward to seeing what else the normal world had to offer him.

"...and now we have an interview with Keade-baba, who claims to have found a third golden ticket. How this is possible, since it is reported that only two were released, is unknown. However, since both Kagome and Kikyo have disappeared into the depths of the pocky factory, there is not much available for comparison or proof,"

Inuyasha swore when the TV cut to the lucky wielder of his ray of hope and sunshine.

She was old.

Beyond old.

She was so old, she looked like her skin was crumbling. And she was missing an eye. The suffix –baba was an understatement by far. Something closer to 'disintegrating old hag' in meaning would have been appropriate.

Inuyasha suddenly felt an inch high. He had to choose between Kikyo, Kagome, and..._Keade_.

Lotsa K names. Lotsa possibilities for rhyming...

"NO! NO NO NO!"

"Rhyming again?" Kagome asked dryly. "I hear speech habits are the hardest to break,"

"We're going to have another guest," Inuyasha said. "She's ugly in description at best—DAMNIT, BRAIN, STOP RHYMING!"

With this, Inuyasha smacked himself in the face. Kagome was having issues holding in her giggles.

"So why are you here, anyway?" he mumbled, casting a glare in her general direction.

"Oh, I finished the tour and wanted to know what time dinner was. Sango had to go make sure that Miroku didn't get himself killed harassing Kikyo,"

"THERE'S a mental image," Inuyasha said to himself. "Dinner's at dinner time, Kagome. Find something to do with yourself or I'll give you a job,"

She sniffed. "If you give me a job, I'll tell the others about Keade,"

"What?" he snapped, dropping to the ground in front of her immediately. "You would what?"

"I know that they don't know there's a third winner. I can hear the TV down here too,"

Inuyasha glared. "I'm the boss. This is MY factory. Despite what my family—er, THEY—think, I'm in charge. And if I want to, I can keep throwing tickets out there until I find someone I like,"

Kagome hesitated before retorting with, "And I'll tell Kikyo you don't like her, too."

Inuyasha's eyes narrowed to golden slits. "You wouldn't dare,"

"Try me," she countered, tugging on a lock of his silver hair and glaring right back.

"INUYASHA!" Miroku yelled, storming into his courtyard. "What's this I hear about a third ticket?!"

"I knew he had a stash, Miroku! We have to search his room!" Sango cried, bursting in through a different door.

Both then turned and ran out the doors they had entered through.

Inuyasha panicked and turned to run after them before seeing Kikyo walk into the courtyard like she owned it.

"YOU WHAT?!" she exclaimed, anger tangible in the air. Inuyasha winced and made to follow Miroku and Sango, but Kagome stood in his way.

She was grinning.

More than a little disturbed that a girl whom he had taken to be highly educated yet completely lacking in creative abilities was flashing a malice-filled grin at him, he backpedaled—straight into Kikyo. Her exclamation of rage was enough to get him started towards Kagome again, the grin still firmly in place.

"In the light of current events, Kikyo, I call a temporary truce between us," Kagome said, looking over Inuyasha's shoulder at the enraged crazy girl.

"I agree, Kagome. Let there be a truce between females whilst we handle the greater evil of the male species."

Kagome nodded, eyes returning to Inuyasha's. He felt something drop around his neck for about two seconds before Kagome's mouth opened.

"Sit, boy."

Inuyasha was suddenly inspired to feed Kagome and Kikyo dirt-flavored pocky as his face hit the ground. He decided that if they politely refused his kind offer of taste-testing the new flavor, he would stuff the entire concoction down their throats one at a time.

Above his head, he heard the clapping of hands in what he presumed to be a high-five before two sets of feet stomped in opposite directions away from him.

Inuyasha was going to kill Miroku and Sango for forcing him to go along with this.

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If you make fun of my rhyming, you're going to get mauled by mysterious singing teddy bears. Don't mess with the bears, man. They're crazy.

O.o I'm warning you.

It's this button.

V


	5. chap 5

And so, after an extended absence, HHR shall be completed as promised. Now that the majority of my time is no longer devoted to Meeting Place, a lot of things are going to be finished. (smiles)

DISCLAIMER: hey, it's been forever since I wrote one of these. You were getting your hopes up that you had finally found Rumiko Takahashi, weren't cha?

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Chapter Five: To Devise

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Inuyasha scowled as he watched the TV in the safety of his room. The door was locked, and he was all bundled up in a pile of blankets. _I am NOT hiding from those psychopaths!_ He insisted to himself, shivering at the thought of that grin on Kagome's face.

She had seemed so sweet when she arrived…it just seemed odd that a creature as happy as Kagome could look so malicious. He struggled for a moment to remember the sight of her true smile, to erase the evil expression from his mental picture, when he realized that he hadn't paid enough attention to her yet. Inuyasha was sure that she had been grinning like a fool during some point of the day, but try as he might he couldn't get a clear thought through his head concerning the second girl.

_Feh. Might as well stop trying. Keade will be arriving soon, and then they're both going to stop speaking with me._

So as he watched the reporters outside his home film the old hag entering it, he was struck with a strange compulsion to get out of bed and walk outside. How long had it been since he had really went for a stroll in the sunlight? In fact, when was the last time any of them had left?

There was a knock on his door. It wasn't strong enough to be any of the adults in the building, so…

"C'mon in, Shippou." Inuyasha called.

The young boy walked into the room, still in his pajamas. "Inuyasha, why are you hiding in here? Keade-baba has arrived."

"Excuse me while I scream with joy," Inuyasha remarked.

Shippou gave him a patronizing glare. "You have to remember to respect your elders, Inuyasha. Anyway, breakfast is ready. Come on down whenever you're done sulking for being beaten by two girls."

"I WAS NOT BEATEN!" he yelled after Shippou's retreating back. "AND I'M NOT SULKING! OR HIDING!"

It was a few minutes later that Shippou's full statement hit him. "OY! SHIPPOU! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN BY RESPECT YOUR ELDERS! LOOK WHO'S TALKING!"

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Kagome stared at the pancakes as if they were infused with arsenic. Catching her disgusted expression, Sango tilted her head and regarded her new friend.

"What's wrong, Kag-chan?"

"There has to be five pounds of fat in these!"

Sango shrugged. "It's a banquet this morning, celebrating your arrival. If you want, I can hunt down some carrot sticks at the store later."

"Store? I thought no one ever left the factory," Kagome said blankly.

Miroku chuckled, sitting down next to her, a heaping pile of chocolate chocolate-chip pancakes before him. "Well then, we'd all starve. How would we ever get water, or nutrition?"

"YOU'RE not leaving the factory until the competition is over," Sango explained. "But we can come and go as we please,"

Kagome sighed. "Gee, thanks."

Shippou streaked into the dining area, wailing something about 'waking the beast'. He was closely followed by a streak of white and red, which tackled him to the ground. The pile of Shippou and Inuyasha rolled across the Candy Courtyard and into the chocolate river with a _splash_.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, SHIPPOU!" Inuyasha yelled.

"YOU RUINED MY FAVORIE PAJAMAS!" Shippou yelled back.

Someone cleared a throat in the doorway. The stunned girls (and Miroku) at the table turned towards the sound, and the two splashing in the river froze.

Keade-baba had arrived at last, obviously having taken a while to hobble through the entryway and into the Courtyard.

"Now, now, children. Ye shall go and change those clothes right away, chocolate stains," she croaked.

Kagome twitched. _THAT'S my competition? _

Across the table from her, Kikyo snorted, obviously thinking the same thing.

Keade hobbled over to the river. Latching onto Shippou's ear, she flipped him behind her and onto the grass. He landed painfully on his butt, whining about being dizzy. Repeating the process effortlessly with Inuyasha, she turned around as quick as lightening and grabbed both their ears, continuing in one fluid motion towards the doors.

"Ye shall listen to me when I am talking, boys."

At the table, Kikyo and Kagome face-faulted. "THAT'S our competition!" they both cried, as the old hag dragged Inuyasha and Shippou out of the yard.

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As Inuyasha waited for Keade to finish scrubbing the chocolate out of his pajamas, he was stuck with an idea. Staring at the bowl she was using for the bleach, he suddenly knew _exactly_ what the first trial would be.

He would have to make sure they had some flour before he called an official start.

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done for now! Yayyy, updates! Sorry this has taken me so long, I really do apologize. I lost my concept map, but I remember most of the fuzzy path that the story was supposed to take…enjoy, mina-san!

V


	6. chap 6

And back s'more! Guess what? I'm going to finish this today, and update it very slowly…probably over a month. Don't cha hate me? (grins)

Good thing I am, tho, because otherwise you'd have to wait forever some more.

Disclaimer: nope, nuh-uh, not gonna say it. Why would I want Inuyasha when I have a Fuzzy to squee over? (grins)

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Chapter Six: Cooking Calypso

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Inuyasha skidded into the kitchen at exactly 12 noon. He was holding three glass mixing bowls, a large bag of flour, and a carton of eggs.

Kikyo, Kagome, and Keade all regarded him skeptically.

"This is the first challenge. The girl to bake the best cookies gets the point. And no, they're not chocolate cookies. You have to guess my favorite."

From the doorway, Sango rolled her eyes. They didn't have any peanut-butter in the factory, how would any of the girls bake his favorite cookies? She had used up the last of it in a batch of pudding the week before.

Kikyo immediately whipped out a bag of sugar and set to work. Obviously, she planned on following a traditional sort of sugar cookie recipe. The way that she hesitated before she broke the eggs on the side of the bowl only showed to Sango that the girl had never made cookies in her life.

When she added four more eggs to her bowl, Sango sighed. Inuyasha would definitely be taste-testing these all on his own.

Keade threw two eggs into the air with her bowl. As they hovered, the eggs lined up to crack on the bowl on the way back down. Keade caught the shells in her left hand when the bowl landed on the counter. Sango blinked and stared as the woman produced a cookie cutter from kami-knows-where and continued making her gingerbread cookies.

Maybe…maybe Sango could try…ONLY Keade's cookies.

Kagome looked around, hunting through all the cupboards and nooks in the kitchen before finally stopping and frowning, hands on her hips. Leaving, she returned some time later with a…

…a jar of peanut-butter? Sango grinned, _That's right_. _Kagome told me yesterday that her favorite cookies were peanut butter_. The girl continued to follow a recipe that was guaranteed for success, and Sango left the kitchen. She would just have to gloat at Inuyasha over her superior knowledge as to the turnout of the competition.

Miroku ran into her in the hallway outside the kitchen. "How's it going?" he asked.

"Kagome's guaranteed to win," Sango said with a smile.

Miroku sighed. "That's great. Kikyo rigged up my room with barbed wire and lard. The faster she's out of here, the better."

"…lard?"

"For the sliding," Miroku explained helpfully.

Sango narrowed her eyes. "No one tries to kill Miroku except for me," she muttered darkly, heading off for Kikyo's room.

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Inuyasha walked into the kitchen, led by a delicious aroma. _Well, at least one of them can cook_.

"What smells like chocolate chip cookies? I thought I said NO chocolate chip cookies," he said, trying to be gruff.

The three girls looked at each other. "OH!" Kagome exclaimed suddenly, and the other two turned to stare at her. "I have cookie-scented shampoo," she explained.

Inuyasha nodded skeptically. "Oh…kay…how about those cookies, then?"

Keade presented him with perfectly formed gingerbread cookies.

Kagome put forth a plate of nice-looking peanut-butter cookies, some of which were burnt.

Kikyo held…a monstrosity.

The dough was a mess of uncooked egg yolks and Crisco, with hearty amounts of sugar poured over the top in an attempt to make them look solid. She had obviously scraped some of the goo off the pan to make the cookies look circular.

"Try mine first," Kikyo said darkly.

"I'm going to…wait for that salmonella," Inuyasha replied quickly. "Keade, how 'bout those gingerbread men?"

Keade held out the plate. Nervously, Inuyasha took a bite. _I didn't think what would happen if one of them couldn't cook…Kikyo's out._

The gingerbread was perfect, just as any cookie made by a grandmother-aged woman is perfect. Keade had gone for the one recipe that it took an entire lifetime to learn, and she had nailed it. Unfortunately, Inuyasha couldn't stand the strong taste of gingerbread.

"Nice, Keade…but not my favorite," he said, choking down the last bit of the cookie. "Kagome, are those…peanut-butter?"

She nodded. "I…well, that's my favorite, so I figured that if you hated them…all the more for me,"

Inuyasha resisted grinning. Which reminded him…

Reaching over, he selected a cookie. It was crunchy, as could be expected with burnt edges. The peanut-butter flavor was perfectly mixed into the cookie, and was just the consistency that his mother used to make them. Inuyasha savored the rest of the cookie, before turning to look at…

Kikyo's cookies.

He couldn't even pick a cookie up, and used his fingers to hold as much…dough in his hands as he could. Opening his mouth, he dumped it in.

Having never eaten raw eggs in his life, Inuyasha could now comfortably say that he had done so. The cookies were the most god-awful thing he had ever experienced. Feeling like he had dumped a fish-tank and all its contents into his mouth, he tried his best not to gag or spit it back out.

"Who wins?" Kikyo asked, one eye wider than the other with menace.

_Is that a threat…?_

"K…Ke…"

"Inuyasha, recall how I washed ye clothing," Keade intoned, also menacing forward.

Kagome—whom he would have desperately loved to name the winner—reclined against the counter with a downcast expression.

"Keade," Inuyasha said at last. Kikyo…there was no way she could win, but he owed it to Keade for saving his pajamas and getting him back on Shippou's good side.

Kagome quietly left the room as Kikyo beat up the hanyou, brushing a hand across her face as several hurt tears fell from her eyes.

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awww…poor kag-chan. Her cookies were the best. Inu's such a loser. (lol)

so…there you have it. Two chapters today to make up for the extended non-updating, and slow from here on out. THIS SITE is doing stupid things again, like taking away all the URLs on bios and such…bear with me, I never know what's going to be deleted from my chapters…

V


	7. chap 7

So here I am…consuming Tagalongs like a madwoman…in the dark. Yay! We re-did my room and earlier the sun was streaming through the window behind my laptop and killing me…

DISCLAIMER: I am sleepy and most likely will puke sometime soon. Rumiko Takahashi does not succumb to these mortal afflictions, and thus she is not I.

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Chapter Seven: To Formulate

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When Inuyasha recovered from the immense amounts of vomiting that Kikyo's cookies of doom had caused him, he was not thinking clearly. Wanting to sleep, yet not having enough brains to hop on the ferry down the chocolate river and get to his room, he curled up in the space before Kagome's doorway, falling immediately into a feverish and hazy sleep.

It seemed that there were giants all around him, that their heads were balloons inflated beyond all rational proportions and that they were tied to the ground by tiny bits of string weighted with shoes. Someone was picking him up, and a wave of wind rushed over him before he was placed on something soft and fluffy.

Inuyasha slipped back into dreaming without any more problems. Eventually waking due to his alarming lack of hydration, he sat straight up and collided with Kagome's face, which sent him back onto the pillows below him in a painful delirium.

When Inuyasha woke the next morning, he didn't remember any of it. _Why is Sango over there?_ He wondered, his sister-like friend still sleeping soundly. Pushing back covers that he KNEW did not belong to him, he looked around. _Why am I in Sango's room?_

_SHE POISONED ME!_

Yes, it was the final straw for Kikyo. There would be no more winning competitions for her. But…what was another logical task that she would be sure to lose at?

Before he could think of something proper, an arm appeared out of nowhere and latched onto his left bicep.

_What the…_

Now knowing all too well whose bed he had ended up being left in, Inuyasha froze. _Must…not…wake…Kagome…_

Feeling all that more guilty for taking away the victory that should have rightfully been hers, Inuyasha carefully worked a pillow up to replace his arm, and hopped out of bed. Making a quick exit, he retired to his tree to ponder the task that came before three.

"NO NO NO NO NO NO! RHYMING! MUST! END!"

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Kagome was jarred out of her comfortable sleep by a resounding thud noise, which abruptly stopped after serving as her alarm clock. Yawning, she immediately recognized that Inuyasha was not in the room. Grateful, since she wasn't sure how many more times she could handle being confused with his mother, Kagome got out of bed and located her hairbrush.

Although Sango appeared to be asleep, she was not. Regarding Kagome with a cool sort of interest, she made only one early-morning observation: Keade and Kikyo had both unpacked their bags entirely and personalized their rooms. Kagome simply pulled what it was she needed from her yellow backpack and later replaced it all.

Kagome wandered out into the Courtyard, watching with semi-interest as Shippou pulled weeds from the marmalade-flower garden. From what she could see, the weeds were actually premature carrot plants.

_Odd. I would think that they would continue to grow those…instead of spending money on them at the store_.

"Kagome, you're awake," Inuyasha said, appearing out of nowhere. Kagome looked around for the source of his interest, her roaming eyes finally landing on his tree.

"Yes, I am. And so are you. Feeling better?" she asked sweetly.

"Yeah. Sorry about…well, getting all sick. I have no idea what happened, but I think I need to apologize anyway."

Kagome nodded. "Apology accepted. You were just…delirious and vomiting."

Inuyasha winced. "And…well, no grudges over the cookies?"

She shrugged. "You win some, you lose some." With a quirky smile, she quickly added, "That's how the game of life is done."

"You…rhymed, you know."

"Like the groundhog and the snow." Kagome added.

Inuyasha smirked. "I wouldn't let myself get into that if I were you,"

"Poor little hanyou, looking all blue."

Kagome smirked in return, pleased with her own rhyming abilities. Inuyasha stared at her for a moment, before continuing their dialogue.

"This is the first time I've seen you really smile," he said softly.

"I haven't smiled in quite a while," Kagome replied, shrugging. "I don't know what's gotten into me, I'm usually as happy as can be."

"I would really watch out, that rhyming sticks,"

"It's something that I am willing to risk,"

They laughed at each other before settling down under Inuyasha's tree to continue in their little game.

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It was almost night that Inuyasha was inspired with the perfect second challenge. Kikyo would never be able to do it, Keade would be completely out of the question…

Well, the entire devising was more a matter of him daydreaming about Kagome as they laughed together. He was trying to envision her climbing up the tree to join him on his favorite perch when the idea struck.

"SANGO!" he yelled. "Call everyone in here. We're having the second challenge, now."

She nodded. "You got it, chief,"

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return of Tsuki's stupid rhymes. It's ten, I'm sleepy. So pathetic, when I used to be able to keep myself going well into the night…ah, old age is setting in. .

sayanora, minna-san.


End file.
